Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
