I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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