Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
