im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
