i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
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