I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
