He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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