I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
