The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
