She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
