I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
