I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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