the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
