mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
