Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
