Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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