A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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