Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
