Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
