You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Randomize
