how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Randomize