i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Who did Billy Mays play for?
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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