If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
