My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
