Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
