you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
