I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
