No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Randomize
