I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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