Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
