so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
