im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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