I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
