my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
