My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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