What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
