Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
