forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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