i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
