Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
