I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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