I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
