dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
the raccoons are back...
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