Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
