I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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