I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Randomize
