I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
