Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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