Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
