I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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