no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
