Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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