We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
