my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
