Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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