I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
