Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
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