We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Randomize
